I forgive you now what about me?

A Countryman's son by accident trod upon a Serpent's tail, which turned and bit him so that he died.  The father in a rage got his axe, and pursuing the Serpent, cut off part of its tail. So the Serpent in revenge began stinging several of the Farmer's cattle and caused him severe loss.  Well, the Farmer thought it best to make it up with the Serpent, and brought food and honey to the mouth of its lair, and said to it:
"Let's forget and forgive; perhaps you were right to punish my son, and take vengeance on my cattle, but surely I was right in trying to revenge him; now that we are both satisfied why should not we be friends again?"

"No, no," said the Serpent; "take away your gifts; you can never forget the death of your son, nor I the loss of my tail."

Injuries may be forgiven, but not forgotten.

I'll be the first to admit that one of the toughest things in the world to do is to forgive someone that has wronged you. Especially when they've done you wrong SOOOOO many times. Where do you draw the line? When do you walk away?

My best friend has had this issue the past few years. She holds people to VERY high standards. I believe she should. Well anyone you bring into your inner circle should be held to a higher standard than just any ol' body you know? Well when these people wrong her, most times all she's looking for is the person to find the err of their ways and say sorry. It's amazing how far an apology can take you sometimes. It's an act of putting aside your pride and ego, and admitting you're wrong. She sees that. The sad part is that the people that have done her wrong see that as well... which plays out like this:

Them- Hey girl, I know it's been a while since we talked, and it's because I screwed you over... I'm sorry... hopefully we can be friends again

Her: You really hurt me, but thank you for reaching out and apologizing... I forgive you.

(well not precisely like that, but I get so irritated by it, so you get my drift)
It's the God in her... I know it... and I love it about her... but I also hate it. It makes me worry and overly cautious about those people being in her life. While I know that she does forgive however, I also know that she forgets NOTHING. She will always remember how someone may have treated her and how it made her feel. And she will always learn from the experience and in some way or another, it will play out in her life.

(you'll notice that my BFF and I learn a lot from one another, and we hold that dear to our hearts. *MAKI-DA-DA* LOL)

I'm just not as forgiving. But I should be... So... here it goes...

To all those that have wronged me... I forgive you... and much like my best friend, I'll never forget. I appreciate and thank all of those that have wronged me as they've shaped me into who I am today. I'm a stronger person because of the adversity and the betrayal. I'm not bitter, and I wish no ill will on anyone... but had it not been for the backstabbing, the lies, the making a mockery of me; I wouldn't be the strong minded, successful woman I am today. Thanks to an old friend that stole money from me, I'm more conscious with my spending. Thanks to my ex who cheated and lied, I'm married to a terrific man who places me at the center of his universe. Thanks to my mother and father for making me an adult at a young age, I'm able to be a GREAT mommy, and an even greater big sister. BIG thanks to those that teased and made fun of me over the years for not having nice clothes... I'm now able to cherish the things that I have, and value a dollar to mean more than just 4 quarters.

So yes... It's best to forgive... not hold grudges... but impossible to forget. If you were to forgive and forget, then you're prone to the same things... you'll learn nothing if you forget but you'll live miserably if you don't forgive.

One thing I'm struggling with now is forgiving myself. Prior to her passing, my mother was very sick. It was no secret. She had obviously reached the end of her ropes. I was calling it tough love, as I was mentally drained, emotionally beaten, and physically worn out from her constant demands and excessive begging. My mother had always loved her children deeply, but the sickness of addiction took over her mind, body and soul, and the love she used to have for us and her grandchildren just wasn't there anymore. Cocaine is a helluva drug. And it sadly took her passing for me to see that addiction is a disease. An incurable disease that can only be treated with lots of support and love. I tried. I swear. Like harder than I could ever imagine. I wanted her to be right. So I told her no. I stopped helping her out. I took my daughter from her (Which hurt my daughter more than my mother) and I didn't allow her to speak to her. I was angry. I couldn't sleep.

The night I got the call that she was going to the hospital, I contemplated not even going. She was ALWAYS going to the hospital for one thing or another, so I just wasn't that interested in her tummy ache. Even earlier that day, she called and told me she thinks she ate something bad... I was irritated by her, and told her "Well tomorrow I'll bring you some ginger ale. I'm not bringing you cigarettes. Just ginger ale and some soup" I hung up even more angry with her. When I got to the hospital and saw how much pain she was in, and how belligerent she was being with the hospital staff, I again, just wanted to leave. I grabbed her hands and told her that she'd die if she didn't stop acting out. That's what calmed her. Frustration was taking over me, and did I mention I had just found out the day before that I was pregnant? When she went into surgery, I left the hospital... I was nauseous and had been there since 2am... it was then around 9:30. No sooner than I laid down did my sister call me to come back. They needed the family there.. She never regained consciousness and passed away hours later at 2pm. Cause of death- Ischemic Colitis due to cocaine intoxication.

This day has stuck out in my life like a sore thumb. I can remember every second of it. And it wasn't until I walked to a corner alone that I realized my mother was about to die. And there was nothing anyone could do about it. I couldn't cry. Instead I got angry again. I screamed. I punched walls. First I was mad at her. HOW COULD SHE!?!? When my emotions got the best of me, I tried to put things into perspective, and that's when I broke down.

How could I treat her this way? How could I not do more? My unborn child would never get to meet his crazy fun loving grandmother, and it was partly my fault. Why did I give her that money the week before? Why was I so persistent for her to be well to see me graduate from grad school that she checked herself out of the facility early? Now my youngest sister doesn't even get to have her at her 8th grade graduation this year. How could I get so angry with her? As they took her into surgery, the last words I said to her were "Love you, stop giving everyone a hard time". Today I make excuses for my actions during that time. My friends make excuses for me. My husband does as well. There was no excuse aside from me being flat out selfish at times. I could have done more. I just ran out of ideas. I was stuck. And that's it.

So yeah... I have yet to forgive myself. So maybe I should retract my previous comments and hope to forget some things that went down. And then I'll be able to forgive?