Denial

A man and a Lion were discussing the relative strength of men and lions in general. The man contended that he and his fellows were stronger than lions by reason of their greater intelligence. "Come now with me," he cried, "and I will soon prove that I am right." So he took him into the public gardens and showed him a statue of Hercules overcoming the Lion and tearing him in two.


"That is all very well," said the Lion, "but proves nothing, for it was a man who made the statue."


We can easily represent things as we wish them to be

Day 3... UGH... I'm a little irritable today. I have the worst headache that refuses to go away and I'm frustrated as all hell. I decided to put a little tweak to this detox thing though. Ive done one before that worked well, so I think I'll add that one to the evening. That way I'll get SOME solids in me. I think that the lack of solids and the decrease in my caloric intake has lots to do with my headaches... But I want to continue on with this thing for as long as I can. I figure if I just add a plan salad (still no meats), or a black bean or lentil soup to the detox, I may be able to at least feel a little better. Thats my decision.

This post will have little to do with the detox however. My mind is racing and I was a little upset last night. No, I'll be honest. I was downright pissed off last night.

I've spoken about my past before. Have just given an overview of the things that I've been through growing up. To go too deep into it will do nothing positive for me right now, so I wont for the sake of my own sanity. But to sum it all up, my childhood was terrible. Awful. Repulsive. Torturing. There is no word in the English language that can honestly or accurately depict the life that I was forced to live. Being stuck in a home and being well aware of the fact that my parents were more concerned with their next high than they were with whether or not my siblings and I ate everyday was the weight I carried around with me EVERYDAY. Not even just food. We went winters with no heat and no electricity. My youngest brother witnessed men break into our house and beat the living shit out of my dad for not paying up. I was hit on by drug dealers and my dad even at one point tried to hoe me out to one to settle his debts. We had just a few outfits. 5 for the summer and 5 for the winter. That was it. We got one pair of shoes a year. And when that one pair was old, then we went through winters with cloth shoes with holes in them. We had holes in our coats, no real insulation. We took bread with bolgna for lunch, and when dinner came along, I'd hope that there was enough rice or ramen noodles for us to eat. Pay days would come for our parents, and I'd sneak into purses, wallets, and pockets to grab as much money as I could to try to make it through the next two weeks. Then, I'd cower into my bedroom so I wouldn't have to listen to them argue and fight about who was taking who's cash and getting more rocks than the other... We watched multiple evictions, piled up in beds and couches at my grandmothers, and called THAT our childhood home; even though we moved constantly.

We got a dog once named Nupey. He was given to us by the owners of the house when they moved out. Well he slept outside of my door every night. And when I was gone, he slept in my bedroom. He followed me around the house (I was the one that fed him, so he always did what I said) and he was really close to me. I don’t remember my sisters being around him much… just me. Well… once, I called the police on my father. It was the dead of winter. I was so upset with him about just stuff… I was in the police station the entire night almost… I was too afraid to go back home, so they kept me for as long as I could. Eventually, they released me to my mom, and of course couldn’t do anything to my dad… for whatever reason, he’d gotten rid of all the stuff he had in the house, and they could find nothing. When I got home, it was morning time almost, and I couldn’t find Nupe. He’d normally be in my room, but he wasn’t. My dad put him outside, tied him to the back porch, and left him out there. It was so cold out, he froze to death. He was just laying there when I found him. I woke up this morning with that image in my head because of last nights conversation with my dad.

He called me at home. He rarely calls unless he wants something, so I was bracing myself. He spoke of my parenting skills. He hates that I punish my younger sister when she does wrong, and instead wants to chalk everything up to her being "a kid". Well I told her that wasn't the case at all... she's spoiled. He then stated "Well, you've been spoiled your whole life. Everything you ever wanted, you had. Your life was great, and I did everything I could to make sure of that" It took everything in me not to curse him out. (We'd had this conversation before, and it resulted in me putting him out of my house, and us not speaking for about a month or so, and I just couldn't let that happen again.) But it upset me. I was beyond upset. Words cant explain the feeling it gives me when he says things like that. Makes no sense.

I just think that I got upset all over again about that man. I’ve forgiven him for so much, I still help him out, and ignore everything else. But then he has YET to say sorry… for anything. Instead of sorry, he has created this faux life that he’s trying to convince me that I had. It seems so silly, but it really bothers me. I’d be able to accept more things or even his understanding of it and what he’s trying to do if he’d just say sorry. Yes, I'm that petty. And YES, the word "sorry" goes so far with me. Being apologetic requires a bit of setting your pride aside, and taking into consideration someone other than yourself. The fact that he REFUSES to accept his wrongs and has instead created things to be what he wants them to be; it just hits me in the heart. I'm his child for Christs sake! His eldest daughter. He'll apologize to a man he doesn't know for accidentally bumping him on the street, but will not apologize to his daughter for REPEATED offenses throughout the years, and damn near ruining my perspectives on life. Instead he chooses to see things as white puffy clouds, lots of gold coins, and unicorns prancing into the sunlight.

Well, I can say that at least I'm head strong and determined like he is. Failure isn't an option with me, and I wont relive my past because I cant forget it.