Nobody's Perfect

I've talked before about how difficult life was growing up. I've also mentioned how it has negatively affected me through the years. What I dont touch on nearly enough is how blessed I truly am TODAY. And how the past has helped me to realize that. I've had some moments lately. Where God has been trying to just shake some sense into me. It's so easy to get mad at Him when things dont go right. We are conditioned to believe that all we have to do is "right" and good things will come our way. Thats not even close to being it though. I cant just sit here, do what I think I'm supposed to do, get a Blessing, then thank Him for it. Thats not how it works. And I know thats not how it works because it hasn't worked. I've set expectations way too high, and have only disappointed myself in the end. So lets try a new route... I decided to celebrate Him... not for what He's done already, but what He has yet to do... God is working miracles in my life. And I know it because the science and the statistics say I shouldn't be where I am right now... I shouldn't have what I have... I shouldn't be so Blessed. BUT I AM!!!!! So now, instead of just doing whats right, I will celebrate the awesomeness that is He. And ALL that He is doing in and around my life. My friends are Blessed... Family blessed... Life isn't bad. I'm not perfect. I will have moments of fault... but my faith will be consistent. And I know these miracles will continue to work... What He has for me is for me.

Revenge is Mine

 

I have no secrets as it pertains to my childhood. Life was hard. Really hard. There were times when I thought my siblings and I wouldn't make it out. As determined as we were, I really was afraid we'd fall victim to circumstance. We were abandoned by family for my parents decisions and treated like outcasts. We spent Christmas' with not only no gifts (which was a huge deal as children) but also without the presence of family and even a fun meal. My aunt always had Christmas dinner at her house, but the hatred and resentment she held towards my mother trickled down to us. And we were uninvited to her house. Flat out told that we couldn't come. 

We were abandoned. Instead of trying to help us, they abandoned us. They left us to fend for ourselves. To fight off drug dealers. To live with mice and roaches. To go for days without eating. To not have heat in the winter and no running water in the summer. To just not have anyone but each other.

Nonetheless, we made it. And here we are today. A successful bunch. We're not statistics. And we're not dead. 

But my heart is broken. This aunt that blackballed us is in a bad place. She's stressed out and I'm able to help her. And I am helping her. Because even after the way we were treated and even though I have every reason in the world to not help her... I can't not do anything. 

I'm a strong believer of Karma. I believe that if you always do right then no matter how bad it may seem life is, it will ALWAYS work out in the end. And I believe that's why I'm here now. And I believe that life is paying her back. But who am I to kick her while she's down? That's not my judgement. And I just can't   My feelings are hurt that things are so hard on her. I'm not worried because I know things will be ok. But she's not sleeping... She's stressed and she's just not in a good place. I pray her peace, I truly do. But I believe this is life paying her back. I wish it didn't have to, but "Revenge is mine, thus sayeth the Lord" 

Goals- Happiness

Today I'm happy. 

Life is good. And I'm happy. 

I go back to work on Tuesday. Which sucks. I'll miss being home with the baby everyday but life goes on and this is a part of it. During my time off I've had so much time to think and overthink. I've been stressed out, angry, frustrated, and emotional... Everything it seemed aside from happy. Which is so ridiculous because I have the world to be happy about. So much to be grateful for. And the need/want/desire for more kept me from relishing in the happiness that has been sitting up in my face. So yeah... Today, I'm happy. And I think tomorrow I'll be happy too. And the day after that. 

I still want more. I still want as much as the universe is willing to let me have. But I'm not going to deny the happiness I have. I'm not where I want to be but I'm where I need to be. I have everything I need. My family has everything we need. And about 80% of the things we want. So dammit if I'm not in a better place than some folks I know....

I'm happy. Be happy!! 

Day 11 Ooooh Child

Things are gonna get easier...