So, I'm having one of those days. I find that I'm often calling certain days "One of those", so there's no real description as to what "One of those" really is... but I'm definitely having one of those days...
It started last night I guess. I got very sad and overwhelmed, which is what happens when I think too much. But the crazy part is, I dont have much time to think as much as I'd like to, and the thought of that is what got me thinking and thus feeling sad and overwhelmed. Sounds like a really bad nursery rhyme or haiku or something I know. But it's not. Its the story of my life.
I walked in the house last night, after the longest of the long days at work. I went striaght into the kitchen to cook dinner. Then fed the baby. Then got the baby ready for bed. Then gave my daughter her due attention, as she demands it by all accounts. It wasn't until late that I remembered that there was an online sale for some items that the kids NEEDED. Not that I wanted, but that they NEEDED. My daughter has very few clothes for the winter. Not because I'm broke, just haven't gotten a chance to go shopping extensively for sweaters and long sleeves. This is when it started. Childrens clothing is SO expensive. It really feels like I was JUST shopping for her fall clothes for school, and now I have to dive into winter. I lucked up and was able to catch the winter coat sale for her and my youngest sister. For my son, I was able to get the sale at Baby Gap for his snowsuit, but he still doesn't have a coat... and it's getting cold out. UGH... then to remember how much he needs new clothes, and thats every 3 months. My sister is about to be 14, so she gets very caught up in trends, and I'm big on making sure that she's not felt out of place or lacking of anything (judge me if you want).... Well that took me to another place.
I miss my mom. And my emotions get the best of me everytime I think too much about all that I've taken on since she passed away. I love my sister sincerely. I swear I do. But I'm 27 years old and I'm raising a teenager. I never asked for it. And sometimes I hit my wits end with it all. When I had my daughter, my mother ADORED her. She wanted to have her with her ALL the time. She kept her every single weekend, and I was able to have time to myself, and even to just be a young woman. I dont get that anymore. She'd love my son so much if she could see him, and I know he'd be fanatic about her. I see her in him and that hurts alot. She had a million flaws, but none of them included how she felt about her grandchildren, and I hate that he will never get to feel that love from her. Not in the physical form anyway.
I spoke to my best friend this morning, and she was having her own set of problems. Which bothers me immensely as she's 38 weeks pregnant, and Lord knows I dont want her having any real issues, and I hate for her to be under stress. Its tough when you have such close friends that live so far away. We rarely get the chance to see each other, but we speak every day, and I hate that I'm not there with her when she's stressed out to laugh with her, or just be silly and take her mind off stuff. Not gonna dwell on that though. Its not the hand we were dealt, so we wont attempt to play it. Needless to say, it would be great if a small prayer can be sent up for her and her family.
Then I get to work, and there's another can of worms... While I've got everything else running through my mind, now I have to work. And deal with peoples insecurities at work. The power struggles. The corporate lifestyle of throwing one another under the bus and the game of "Who can get to the top first". I've never been that type of person, and never will be. It's not a part of how I'm programmed. I have a heart. A real heart. And it hurts when I see others hurt or upset for whatever reasons. So, this is one atmosphere I'm not going to adapt to.
So, yeah... I've been thinking too much. I have no real structure to anything that I just wrote, but it's all in me. I miss my mom. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. And right now, there's very few things that I want more than to just climb back in bed. Under the covers. Alone.
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